Memories

We broke up today.

I walked away from her today, feeling a sense of finality. My time with her had come to a close, and it simply seemed too surreal for me. Maybe it was because we didn't end it quite the way I wanted to. Or maybe it was too impersonal for me to really wrap my mind around. But for whatever reason, my heart is suspended as I contemplate the time we'd spent together, and the memories we now share.

It was really a summer affair, I'll admit. Both her and I engaged in the relationship knowing full well that come the change in season, I had to leave. See the fact is, I'm splitting town soon. In the fall, I have to leave my hometown, waving farewell to all the friends, family, and yes even lovers, that I have made. Both of us were well aware that "our" future was bleak and that our destinies would pull us apart. But we still fell into the relationship because we were both desperate with feelings of our own.

My time with her has been brief, but I cherish the moments we've had. I think about all the laughs we've shared, all those hours we've spent together, and even the tense moments in our relationship. Sure, just like everybody, we've had our rocky moments. There were times she would wrong me, and I would righteously feel indignant. But our relationship would always persevere, and we would continue with what we had.

However, the past few weeks have been a period of uneasiness. We know that I'm leaving, yet we're both unsure of when to call it quits. We haven't talked about it in any great lengths. Sure we've mentioned it from time to time, but you know how those things are. We would bring it up and skate around the issue, not wanting to say the words that we know needed to be said. Not wanting to realize in our minds what our heart's have been telling us all along.

The past few weeks, we've finally decided to prepare for the end. We've discussed when we want our relationship to end, but every time we've talked, the sense of awkwardness ruined any salvageable remains of conversation. Unsure of what to do, I thought deep within myself and realized that it was time to make it official.

This morning, I wrote her a letter. In it, I described all the emotion I've felt from day one of our relationship. I told her that I didn't want to leave town right after ending what we had. I needed time to heal and prepare for my journey. I explained to her that we've talked about this day for weeks, and that I needed to finally set a date and make it official. Some may think that I took the cheap way out by breaking up with her over a letter, but I know within my heart of hearts, she would want it that way. I only wish that we could do it face to face and not end this so impersonally.

Only one thing remains. I have only a few days left with her until the day we've agreed to break apart. I feel indescribable. I want to tell her that I'll miss her. I want her to know that she has meant more to me this summer than she'll ever know, but I'm afraid of what she'll say. I feel as if the remaining time we have together will be spent with our hearts elsewhere, looking forward to the loves of the future while letting our relationship slowly fade away.

I never knew it would be this hard to break up with a grocery store.

I am a Giant employee.

This summer, I got a job. After weeks of searching unsuccessfully, I ended up standing in front of my local Giant store. After going inside, talking with the manager, and finding out when I started, I left the building feeling like a satisfaction sandwich. I got a job. It's not really the job I was looking for. But I still got a job.

I worked outside pushing carts for about a month. I was hired as a cashier, and here I was outside, doing manual labor in hot weather. Not the greatest month. But there were some elements of freedom to it. I found innovative ways to pass the time, like memorizing Bible verses, singing songs under my breath, or texting friends when my employers weren't looking. (I am a super-sneaky-ninja) Eventually, I made my way inside working all of bakery, HBC (health and beauty care), bagging, and any department they needed me to assist. And I learned something very important when I moved inside.

I was alone.

Whether I was working bakery, bagging, or any other position, I felt as if I was the only one who even cared about being there. I saw people who had been working at Giant for twenty-five years, and noticed how they seemed to be apathetic and no longer tried to interact with others. I don't know what it is about working in a grocery store, and especially for so many years, but it just seems to leech the life right out of you. I walked into work every day with a purpose. I was going to be the one to bring life back to Giant Foods.

And then this happened.

http://www.xkcd.com/610/

It made me laugh at first, but then I began to wonder whether everyone felt that way or not. Did people attempt to reach out to others long ago, and get shot down so many times that they've stopped trying and keep their frustration to themselves? I know every time I work in the bakery, I talk to everyone, and try to get to know them. It's the least I can do, plus it makes time go by faster.

I wonder how many people are afraid to reach out to others anymore?

I can't take the speed it's moving in

John Mayer made me cry today.

For the past five years or so, tears haven't come easily to me. I used to run home when i was a kid, tired of not having friends at school, crying and running to my mom for comfort. Somewhere along the line, it just stopped. It's not that I stopped caring, but things hit me less hard then they used to. The past five years, I've probably cried only a handful of times. I've teared up from time to time, but full blown out cries became a thing of the past.

For a while, this really bothered. My thoughts were full of fears that at the death of someone close to me, my eyes would be dry. That I would be unable to feel heart-wrenching emotion ever again. To me, not being able to feel those drops running down my cheeks was the worst feeling. It gave the illusion of apathy and detachment, two things I never wanted to experience in my life. Some people are ashamed of their tears, but to me, it became a heart breaking loss, one that I couldn't even cry about. Believe me, the irony was thick.

My sister is getting married tomorrow. She is marrying a great guy, will be living barely twenty minutes away, and I will most likely see her often. I never thought about our past as brother and sister, or rather our soon-to-be changed relationship. Instead, I just accepted that she was marrying this guy and moving out.

And then it hit me. Driving home from setting up from the wedding, I was listening to a John Mayer cd. Tempted to take it out, I hesitated realizing that "Stop this Train", a great song, was coming up. I kept the cd in, and then the tears began to flow.

I don't know why, but I started thinking, "Have I been a good brother to my sister?" "Does she love me?" "Is she going to miss me when she's gone?" Wiping the tears from my eyes, I continued to drive. Finally, I realized that these tears weren't as easy to dismiss. My mind wouldn't stop going back to my feelings of inadequacy as a brother. You have to understand, this was new for me. I've never felt quite this way about my sister. I felt as if through the years, I had been given countless opportunities to spend time with her, invest in our relationship, and associate with the people she loved. And don't get me wrong. It's not like we have a bad relationship. We have a great relationship. But there's always that feeling of wanting more time with somebody before your relationship changes. I've talked to my sister since, and it's clear she doesn't understand my feelings. Obviously. She has a wedding in less than 24 hours. Her mind is elsewhere. But at least there was some form of resolve. I just needed to understand that life is full of change.

Life is a train I want to stop sometimes. I want to go back to the days of playing in the snow with my sister. I want to go into the ocean with her like we did when we were kids. Or even just watching a movie. I used to dread watching the movie "Billboard Dad" when we were younger. It was one of those terrible Mary Kate & Ashley duo movies. But now, I would trade anything for that moment.

Maybe I should heed John's advice and not want to change the pace of life. Maybe I should look forward to the future and all the happiness it offers. But for tonight, I'm caught in the past watching my friend and my sister leave my home for good.

And right now, I just want to stop this train.