I can't take the speed it's moving in

John Mayer made me cry today.

For the past five years or so, tears haven't come easily to me. I used to run home when i was a kid, tired of not having friends at school, crying and running to my mom for comfort. Somewhere along the line, it just stopped. It's not that I stopped caring, but things hit me less hard then they used to. The past five years, I've probably cried only a handful of times. I've teared up from time to time, but full blown out cries became a thing of the past.

For a while, this really bothered. My thoughts were full of fears that at the death of someone close to me, my eyes would be dry. That I would be unable to feel heart-wrenching emotion ever again. To me, not being able to feel those drops running down my cheeks was the worst feeling. It gave the illusion of apathy and detachment, two things I never wanted to experience in my life. Some people are ashamed of their tears, but to me, it became a heart breaking loss, one that I couldn't even cry about. Believe me, the irony was thick.

My sister is getting married tomorrow. She is marrying a great guy, will be living barely twenty minutes away, and I will most likely see her often. I never thought about our past as brother and sister, or rather our soon-to-be changed relationship. Instead, I just accepted that she was marrying this guy and moving out.

And then it hit me. Driving home from setting up from the wedding, I was listening to a John Mayer cd. Tempted to take it out, I hesitated realizing that "Stop this Train", a great song, was coming up. I kept the cd in, and then the tears began to flow.

I don't know why, but I started thinking, "Have I been a good brother to my sister?" "Does she love me?" "Is she going to miss me when she's gone?" Wiping the tears from my eyes, I continued to drive. Finally, I realized that these tears weren't as easy to dismiss. My mind wouldn't stop going back to my feelings of inadequacy as a brother. You have to understand, this was new for me. I've never felt quite this way about my sister. I felt as if through the years, I had been given countless opportunities to spend time with her, invest in our relationship, and associate with the people she loved. And don't get me wrong. It's not like we have a bad relationship. We have a great relationship. But there's always that feeling of wanting more time with somebody before your relationship changes. I've talked to my sister since, and it's clear she doesn't understand my feelings. Obviously. She has a wedding in less than 24 hours. Her mind is elsewhere. But at least there was some form of resolve. I just needed to understand that life is full of change.

Life is a train I want to stop sometimes. I want to go back to the days of playing in the snow with my sister. I want to go into the ocean with her like we did when we were kids. Or even just watching a movie. I used to dread watching the movie "Billboard Dad" when we were younger. It was one of those terrible Mary Kate & Ashley duo movies. But now, I would trade anything for that moment.

Maybe I should heed John's advice and not want to change the pace of life. Maybe I should look forward to the future and all the happiness it offers. But for tonight, I'm caught in the past watching my friend and my sister leave my home for good.

And right now, I just want to stop this train.